Do you know what you would smell like if you didn't shower for 7 straight days? It's just not right. We'll get to that later.....
My first day/night in the hospital was pretty comical. It took them an exceptionally long time to put in an IV and hook a sister up to some morphine. Morphine, you say? Apparently my body likes a direct line, what can I say? Luckily I didn't have a roommate yet but I was going to be moved the next day to a private room anyway, VIP baby! My sister spent the afternoon calling my close friends telling them I had cancer. That had to be awkward, no? The day before, I only made 2 phone calls.....so my sister got the dirty job of dropping the "C" bomb, better her than me.
That night was my first experience with a bed pan. Carla, this is Bed Pan; Bed Pan, this is Carla. Nice to meet you. I didn't know it was humanly possible to aim pee into something shaped like that. My sister stayed over in an uncomfortable recliner, so she was witness to it all. Because they had been pumping me with fluids all day, by the middle of the night, I broke down and had to use the bed pan. You know the feeling of having to pee so bad after a night of binge drinking, and you refuse to use that nastyass bathroom at the bar? That is what it felt like, times ten. So the possibility of relief in my near future was overwhelming.
The process was very difficult, I had to work up the courage to actually move, which was super painful, and there was an audience of a few nurses. Finally, I was able to 'assume' the position and.........NOTHING. That's right, nothing. I COULD NOT pee. What a let down, I know those nurses were just waiting to wipe my ass. Sorry to disappoint. I tried a little while later and was VERY successful. This is when a thing called modesty left the building.
The week in the hospital is a little fuzzy since I was heavily medicated throughout. Plus, they like to give you a little button to push every time you think you need more morphine. You are so drugged up that you actually think you are getting more medicine every 5 minutes. Liars.
I was moved to my VIP room with my own bathroom, which I obviously didn't use all week. While in the hospital it was decided that I should start radiation on my hip and start a medication that will essentially put me in menopause by shutting down my ovaries. 'Will she be upset about her ovaries?, my doctor asked my family. My sister responded, uhh, NO.' You mean I won't get my period ever again? Shit yeah!
I had one awesome nurse and the rest were...eh. Every time you finally fall asleep, they wake you up to take your vitals (temperature and blood pressure). It seemed like people were in and out of my room constantly, most of them were my family and close friends but there was the creeper. I don't remember what religious affiliation this lady was but she was really obsessed with popping in unannounced. She would come in the room and start chatting with anyone about death and then try to talk to me. I finally caught on and just started playing dead.
At least I still have a sense of humor. On one particular day, my sister and her best friend were in the room visiting. I was sleeping on and off. For those of you who know me, know that I am the farthest thing from religious. I heard the two of them talking and moving about, so in my most pathetic 'I have cancer, feel bad for me' voice I said, "Guys, can you read to me from the bible?" Now, I didn't have my glasses on and I am pretty blind, but I could see their eyes popping out of their heads and both of them just freeze. Bahahahahahahahaha...awesome.
Remember, I am here to f*ck cancer, not become friends with God.
