So now that I am taking up residency in the hospital; I can't eat, I vomit, I'm in pain, my sister and mother have to wipe my ladytown and ass several times a day for me, I can't walk, I smell, and I meet my future husband. Just kidding. I wouldn't want to date me either.
Wearing a hospital gown for a whole week was fantastic and really comfortable! Oh, and portable toilets totally rock. While I am in the hospital they decide to start me on radiation. When I was admitted and drugged up they made the road map on my hip for radiation; a bunch of blue markings and tape. They block off the spots getting lasered including half of my ladytown. Lucky me. Everyday at 2:45 I get wheeled through the hospital maze to radiation. I need 2-3 technicians to help me onto the very uncomfortable table. Then I get to flash them all, but they assure me they have seen everything. Well, this is awkward. They do throw a towel over me, thanks. The radiation machine I imagine is like something from space. It starts above you and rotates around underneath you. While making unpredictable loud clicking sounds that make you jump out of your skin. What? I am supposed to stay still and not move? Oh, right.
When I get out of the hospital I still have about 5 more radiation sessions. These are a little more difficult because I have clothes on, so I have to drop my drawers or shimmy my drawers down in order for them to radiate my crotch, I mean hip. Luckily, this week I get my very last period, ever. Now that I am in menopause (chemically induced), which is even sexier than you think, I will never get my period again, have hot flashes for the rest of my life, and mood swings, but I am pretty sure I was already moody to begin with, so who the hell can tell the difference. So not only do I get to flash the technicians as I have been doing, but I have to warn them of my ladytown situation. I'll stop there. On my last radiation appointment I get tattooed. Yup, they tattoo 2 little dots on my hip where they have radiated me, so if they ever need to go back to that spot they know where they have been. Don't worry they look just like freckles.....blue ones.
It is time for my first shower in a week. Woohoo! I am downright nasty. At this point I still can't walk and am in serious pain. I make it to the shower chair (gross) in the shower, and in jumps my sister in a bathing suit. She actually had to bathe me, and for many showers after. She loved it.
After leaving the hospital I 'moved' into the first floor of my parents house in the T.V. room with a hospital bed, a walker and a portable toilet.
