Is it totally cliche that I am posting on New Year's Eve? And I'm going to be more cliche and tell you what I want for 2012. I would like to haaaaaaaaave, no bags of blood. I am getting another blood transfusion next week but let's pretend that it's happening in 2011.
At this point I have had over 10 bags of blood, so I am looking forward to maintaining a normal or close to normal hemoglobin in 2012. I am also looking forward to the start of some seriously trashy shows in 2012. My acupuncturist said I should eat red meat, I'll save that for 2012, maybe. I would like to learn how to play the guitar in 2012. I will learn how to dougie in 2012, for real. Oh, I guess I can kick cancer's ass in 2012......again.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
3 Bags and a Cancer Patient
I have a theory.........if you have cancer you can curse as much as you want and you get a free pass all.the.time.
I remember when I learned that cursing was a bad thing. Family car ride. We were going through a toll, on the Garden State Parkway, and the driver in front of us missed the basket. The driver hit the brakes, put the car in park and got out to run back and put coins in the toll basket. My father got really mad, "Blah, blah, blah, freakin'!!, blah, blah, blah!" I realize now that I have the worst memory ever and I can't blame it on the a a a a a alcohol...I mean chemo brain. So all I remember is my dad saying 'FREAKIN'!' I decided this would be a great time to laugh out loud and repeat what he said. BAD CHOICE.
I immediately got in trouble for that.
So now that I have cancer I drop the f-bomb double time. Sorry Mom and Dad. If it was appropriate to curse at select hospital staff, I would. I began my Thanksgiving with a Ct scan and ended it with an MRI, while suffering from a mysteriously 2 week long migraine. Which means the MRI was on my brain. Which means I was freaking the fuck out. You can make me drink bottles of barium sulfate, inject me with dye, radiate my body, access my port over and over and over again, pour toxins in my body, take my blood, give me blood, etc., BUT do NOT put me in an MRI machine. I can't describe the severe panic that sets in hours before getting an MRI. It's not just the horrifying sounds that come with an MRI but the the fear of having no escape and being closed in a small space. Oh right, that's claustrophobia.
So I noticed lately that the technicians or therapists that do scans treat me and probably others, like robots. I HAVE FUCKING CANCER! IT'S EATING MY HIP BONE, WHICH CAUSES ME PAIN, THEREFORE I CANNOT GET ON THE TABLE AND BE SHOVED INTO THE MACHINE IN A MATTER OF SECONDS!!!!! Is what I wish I said. But naturally I just nod my head, "OK," while clear plastic head gear is secured on my head, similar to this,
pads are smushed on either side of my head, just in case I doze off, an emergency bubble squeezer thing is placed in my hand and, off you gooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Most traumatic experience ever. No wonder I feel the urge to curse at people.
As my cancer cells are being annihilated, my blood must be drowning. Hemoglobin is at a record low, 6.9. So let's pump my body with as much blood as we can!
A glimpse of a cancer patient's checklist of goals to accomplish:
15 radiation treatments, with no pants on, check. And radiation diploma obtained, check.
Clean Ct scan, sort of, check.
Clean MRI pictures, check.
Spending over 13 hours in the hospital in one day, check.
3 bags of blood transfused, check.
2 hospital meals left uneaten, check.
First day I have not been at the hospital since (I can't remember it's been so long), check.
I remember when I learned that cursing was a bad thing. Family car ride. We were going through a toll, on the Garden State Parkway, and the driver in front of us missed the basket. The driver hit the brakes, put the car in park and got out to run back and put coins in the toll basket. My father got really mad, "Blah, blah, blah, freakin'!!, blah, blah, blah!" I realize now that I have the worst memory ever and I can't blame it on the a a a a a alcohol...I mean chemo brain. So all I remember is my dad saying 'FREAKIN'!' I decided this would be a great time to laugh out loud and repeat what he said. BAD CHOICE.
I immediately got in trouble for that.
So now that I have cancer I drop the f-bomb double time. Sorry Mom and Dad. If it was appropriate to curse at select hospital staff, I would. I began my Thanksgiving with a Ct scan and ended it with an MRI, while suffering from a mysteriously 2 week long migraine. Which means the MRI was on my brain. Which means I was freaking the fuck out. You can make me drink bottles of barium sulfate, inject me with dye, radiate my body, access my port over and over and over again, pour toxins in my body, take my blood, give me blood, etc., BUT do NOT put me in an MRI machine. I can't describe the severe panic that sets in hours before getting an MRI. It's not just the horrifying sounds that come with an MRI but the the fear of having no escape and being closed in a small space. Oh right, that's claustrophobia.
So I noticed lately that the technicians or therapists that do scans treat me and probably others, like robots. I HAVE FUCKING CANCER! IT'S EATING MY HIP BONE, WHICH CAUSES ME PAIN, THEREFORE I CANNOT GET ON THE TABLE AND BE SHOVED INTO THE MACHINE IN A MATTER OF SECONDS!!!!! Is what I wish I said. But naturally I just nod my head, "OK," while clear plastic head gear is secured on my head, similar to this,
pads are smushed on either side of my head, just in case I doze off, an emergency bubble squeezer thing is placed in my hand and, off you gooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Most traumatic experience ever. No wonder I feel the urge to curse at people.
As my cancer cells are being annihilated, my blood must be drowning. Hemoglobin is at a record low, 6.9. So let's pump my body with as much blood as we can!
A glimpse of a cancer patient's checklist of goals to accomplish:
15 radiation treatments, with no pants on, check. And radiation diploma obtained, check.
Clean Ct scan, sort of, check.
Clean MRI pictures, check.
Spending over 13 hours in the hospital in one day, check.
3 bags of blood transfused, check.
2 hospital meals left uneaten, check.
First day I have not been at the hospital since (I can't remember it's been so long), check.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
This is the woooooorrrrrst day of my life!!!!
This week was the 4th week from hell. I've developed a pattern of spending long hours at least 3 days a week at the hospital. This week was no different.
Monday: Radiation @ 10:30. Let's get this shit going! Oh, I can't get radiation? The machine that takes the pictures before the first session is broken? So I came here just to get pictures taken of my ladytown, I mean hip? How am I feeling? #%$@%#*(&@^%$@#, fine.
Tuesday: Radiation @ 10:30. Your pictures were printed and they look good. Oh, you mean the cancer is doing it's job by eating my hip bone. Let's get this shit going! I forgot how when they radiate you, there's a horrifying buzzing sound with no warning, that makes you jump out of your skin. Sweet.
Doctor appointment to follow. I have some freaky red rash type thing on my legs and another rash on my elbows on top of my severe dry skin problem from one of my medications........and I'm nauseous. We have a lot to talk about. My platelets are low which causes petechiae, which takes care of my leg problem. I have a fungus on my elbow. Gross. And now I need a bone marrow biopsy.
First, I get anti-nausea medicine and Ativan, to keep me calm for the biopsy, because I am trying very hard not to beeline for the exit. I also get an xgeva shot in my arm and a zoladex shot in my stomach. My doctor performs the biopsy in an exam room. I made her explain everything she was doing. She goes in through my lower back and numbs the first layer of skin. Then she numbs the next layer of skin and then numbs the bone. Then she starts tapping on my bone! I know, you can't believe it, right? I'll tell you again, she starts tapping on my bone! Can you feel that? Um, yup, I can. That's how numb you are! Oh, super....please stop! Then she uses some tool to crank a hole in my bone and then suck out the marrow. It's as horrible as it sounds. Weirdest sensation ever, but no pain. Just a sore back with a gaping hole in it.
I'm almost positive that that needle, was in my back.
Wednesday: Platelet transfusion @ 9:45. Luckily, my transfusion was only one bag of platelets and pretty uneventful, except when they couldn't find the right place to access my already bruised port and kept pushing, poking and prodding it. Ow. This is what platelets look like. Who knew?
Followed by radiation @ 1:15. Again, pretty uneventful, except when there was a communication breakdown between the doctor and the nurses because my platelets were low. I had to sit with a nurse and talk about everything that just happened. For no valid reason I could think of. Just wasting my time.
Thursday: Radiation @ 10:30. Laying on a cold, hard table hurts after a bone marrow biopsy. Just saying.
I stopped by the treatment room so the nurses could check the xgeva injection site because I noticed it was red, irritated, hot and bruised. And when I changed the biopsy bandage, it was still a gaping hole, so they checked that out too. Now I have to wait for a doctor to see me. An hour later, I am out the door with an antibiotic for the possibly infected injection site and a new bandage on my biopsy hole.
Friday: Radiation @ 10:30. Status quo. Oh wait, no it wasn't. I got AMBUSHED by a social worker right before treatment. She pulled me into an exam room and wanted to talk and see how I was feeling. Really?
Week from hell complete. Thanks for reliving that with me. I have low, actually no, expectations for next week..............
Monday: Radiation @ 10:30. Let's get this shit going! Oh, I can't get radiation? The machine that takes the pictures before the first session is broken? So I came here just to get pictures taken of my ladytown, I mean hip? How am I feeling? #%$@%#*(&@^%$@#, fine.
Tuesday: Radiation @ 10:30. Your pictures were printed and they look good. Oh, you mean the cancer is doing it's job by eating my hip bone. Let's get this shit going! I forgot how when they radiate you, there's a horrifying buzzing sound with no warning, that makes you jump out of your skin. Sweet.
Doctor appointment to follow. I have some freaky red rash type thing on my legs and another rash on my elbows on top of my severe dry skin problem from one of my medications........and I'm nauseous. We have a lot to talk about. My platelets are low which causes petechiae, which takes care of my leg problem. I have a fungus on my elbow. Gross. And now I need a bone marrow biopsy.
First, I get anti-nausea medicine and Ativan, to keep me calm for the biopsy, because I am trying very hard not to beeline for the exit. I also get an xgeva shot in my arm and a zoladex shot in my stomach. My doctor performs the biopsy in an exam room. I made her explain everything she was doing. She goes in through my lower back and numbs the first layer of skin. Then she numbs the next layer of skin and then numbs the bone. Then she starts tapping on my bone! I know, you can't believe it, right? I'll tell you again, she starts tapping on my bone! Can you feel that? Um, yup, I can. That's how numb you are! Oh, super....please stop! Then she uses some tool to crank a hole in my bone and then suck out the marrow. It's as horrible as it sounds. Weirdest sensation ever, but no pain. Just a sore back with a gaping hole in it.
Wednesday: Platelet transfusion @ 9:45. Luckily, my transfusion was only one bag of platelets and pretty uneventful, except when they couldn't find the right place to access my already bruised port and kept pushing, poking and prodding it. Ow. This is what platelets look like. Who knew?
Followed by radiation @ 1:15. Again, pretty uneventful, except when there was a communication breakdown between the doctor and the nurses because my platelets were low. I had to sit with a nurse and talk about everything that just happened. For no valid reason I could think of. Just wasting my time.
Thursday: Radiation @ 10:30. Laying on a cold, hard table hurts after a bone marrow biopsy. Just saying.
I stopped by the treatment room so the nurses could check the xgeva injection site because I noticed it was red, irritated, hot and bruised. And when I changed the biopsy bandage, it was still a gaping hole, so they checked that out too. Now I have to wait for a doctor to see me. An hour later, I am out the door with an antibiotic for the possibly infected injection site and a new bandage on my biopsy hole.
Friday: Radiation @ 10:30. Status quo. Oh wait, no it wasn't. I got AMBUSHED by a social worker right before treatment. She pulled me into an exam room and wanted to talk and see how I was feeling. Really?
Week from hell complete. Thanks for reliving that with me. I have low, actually no, expectations for next week..............
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Diagnosis: 6/4/2008, BC, Mets, sarcastic, Rads, Chems, 10cm, likes peanut butter, single, Stage IV, loves sunsets and the beach, ER+
People who are diagnosed with breast cancer always write their diagnosis, like this: Diagnosis: 3/23/2010, IDC, 4cm, Stage IIIa, Grade 2, 5/18 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2+
I don't know what the hell that all means. But what I am trying to say is, I am starting rads (radiation) again.
Well....it wasn't 5-6 hours...I was at the hospital for my platelet and blood transfusion for 8 1/2 HOURS. At this point they should name the cancer center after me! Not to mention they put me in the 'overflow' section, which happens to be in the corner of my normal chemo room. Except you feel like you're in time out. You didn't think that I would be fine after this transfusion, did you? I woke up with crazy intense leg pain, called the doctor. I had to get a doppler study, to check if I had a blood clot since I just had the transfusions. The pain was cancer, not a blood clot, but I'm not a doctor.
I showed up to get dopplered and waited an hour, listening to Rachael Ray's 'nails on a chalkboard' voice and looking at her ugly face on T.V. in the waiting room. Yeah, I'm a Rachael Ray hater.
I've been dopplered before so I knew what to expect but somehow forgot about the level of awkwardness. A doppler study is an ultrasound of the veins in your legs to see if there is a clot. So it's not enough that a man has to do the study, but he has to get all up in my groin with ultrasound goo. Uncomfortable..........and messy.
Later that day, I saw my doctor who prescribed me liquid morphine, just maybe, maybe this one will work. I was also sent to get a Ct scan at 4:00 (been there since 10:00). I didn't need to drink anything, get any sort of injection and they let me keep my clothes on! What a way to end the day......
I spent the next 4 days in my parents bed high on liquid morphine and in pain.
Now that I have been seeing my doctor on a weekly basis, this week we decided to go for radiation. She was able to get me an appointment that day with the radiation oncologist, naturally on the complete opposite side of the hospital. Ah the memories of being wheeled down that hallway in a wheelchair.....not pleasant. All the nurses and therapists down there recognized me and were really happy to see me but really bummed that I was back. Right back at ya. Well, not the really happy part, just the really bummed part. But I knew this all meant RELIEF............
Back the next day to get mapped for rads. I will be getting 15 treatments on my left hip everyday for 15 days. Since I have the unfortunate luck of cancer cells attacking my hips, I also have the unfortunate luck of dropping my pants for radiation. Doesn't get any less awkward the second time around, similar to my doppler experience. Ultrasound goo on the underwear, eww.
"Can you pull down your pants and underwear?" Now, I don't get asked that question often, or ever but the therapists are so respectful about it, it makes it more awkward! So instead of someone making a joke, how could you not, we just talk about my new sneakers. At least they cover my ladytown, with a napkin, while they take Ct scan pictures and then draw Xs and Os on my bod with permanent markers and cover them with little stickers (that won't stay on more than a day).
Now I am ready to be radiated and have been asked several times, maybe too many, if I am sure that I don't want to give consent for anyone to get information about my radiation. So if they accidentally radiate my eyeball instead of my hip, no one will know.
This is what it looks like! But my pants are around my ankles!
I don't know what the hell that all means. But what I am trying to say is, I am starting rads (radiation) again.
Well....it wasn't 5-6 hours...I was at the hospital for my platelet and blood transfusion for 8 1/2 HOURS. At this point they should name the cancer center after me! Not to mention they put me in the 'overflow' section, which happens to be in the corner of my normal chemo room. Except you feel like you're in time out. You didn't think that I would be fine after this transfusion, did you? I woke up with crazy intense leg pain, called the doctor. I had to get a doppler study, to check if I had a blood clot since I just had the transfusions. The pain was cancer, not a blood clot, but I'm not a doctor.
I showed up to get dopplered and waited an hour, listening to Rachael Ray's 'nails on a chalkboard' voice and looking at her ugly face on T.V. in the waiting room. Yeah, I'm a Rachael Ray hater.
I've been dopplered before so I knew what to expect but somehow forgot about the level of awkwardness. A doppler study is an ultrasound of the veins in your legs to see if there is a clot. So it's not enough that a man has to do the study, but he has to get all up in my groin with ultrasound goo. Uncomfortable..........and messy.
Later that day, I saw my doctor who prescribed me liquid morphine, just maybe, maybe this one will work. I was also sent to get a Ct scan at 4:00 (been there since 10:00). I didn't need to drink anything, get any sort of injection and they let me keep my clothes on! What a way to end the day......
I spent the next 4 days in my parents bed high on liquid morphine and in pain.
Now that I have been seeing my doctor on a weekly basis, this week we decided to go for radiation. She was able to get me an appointment that day with the radiation oncologist, naturally on the complete opposite side of the hospital. Ah the memories of being wheeled down that hallway in a wheelchair.....not pleasant. All the nurses and therapists down there recognized me and were really happy to see me but really bummed that I was back. Right back at ya. Well, not the really happy part, just the really bummed part. But I knew this all meant RELIEF............
Back the next day to get mapped for rads. I will be getting 15 treatments on my left hip everyday for 15 days. Since I have the unfortunate luck of cancer cells attacking my hips, I also have the unfortunate luck of dropping my pants for radiation. Doesn't get any less awkward the second time around, similar to my doppler experience. Ultrasound goo on the underwear, eww.
"Can you pull down your pants and underwear?" Now, I don't get asked that question often, or ever but the therapists are so respectful about it, it makes it more awkward! So instead of someone making a joke, how could you not, we just talk about my new sneakers. At least they cover my ladytown, with a napkin, while they take Ct scan pictures and then draw Xs and Os on my bod with permanent markers and cover them with little stickers (that won't stay on more than a day).
Now I am ready to be radiated and have been asked several times, maybe too many, if I am sure that I don't want to give consent for anyone to get information about my radiation. So if they accidentally radiate my eyeball instead of my hip, no one will know.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Ok, I have been home for a week and two days. I decided to take a leave from work. Great decision Carla! Blah, blah, blah.....I know, I know. HARDEST decision I have ever had to make in my 30 years on this earth, well ever since my brain was fully developed and I could actually make decisions, well non-stupid decisions, well, ok that's probably only been in the last few years.
Turns out, it really was a good idea. Last week, I had a doctor's appointment and found out I needed another blood transfusion and I had an infection. Boooooooooooo! My hemo (hemoglobin) was 7, no wonder I felt so miserable. Ouch, that's loooooooow. 'Drop it drop it low girl, drop it drop it low girl.' At least this one only took 5 hours............and just when I decided that the 'dayroom' where I get my transfusions was the 'ghetto' room, bam! they bring out a blanket...that feels like it just came out of the oven! *sigh*
Anyway, the next day I spent in bed and the next day I finally saw a pain management specialist. I chose the medication over the 'small' procedure; a needle in my spine. Ummmm, NO. So week 1 turned out to be just the way I was expecting it to be........
I have been watching SO much T.V. that when I have conversations with people my responses are like, "Oh my god, that is a Law and Order episode." Or, "Whoa, I saw that on CSI!"Or, I start speaking like moronic reality T.V. stars, "Staaaap, Stap it!"~Sammi Sweetheart, the sweetest bitch I know. Or,"Oh.my.god. That.is.ba.na.nas."~Rachel Zoe, thank you Rachel.
Things can only go downhill from here.
Aaaand, I can surf Facebook alllllll day long. And from what I can tell, nobody works! And I can't forget to mention the Lifetime Movie Network. Brilliant.
So far I have to say that it feels really good to take a break, it feels.....right. I hope I don't become a diner regular with the 80+ population.....and my parents.
After reviewing the 16 things with my doctor, we decided to try a hormone drug, aromisan, which works by decreasing the amount of estrogen produced by the body. This medication is paired with a medication for kidney cancer, everolimus. I know, weird right? But, studies show the strongest data ever with estrogen receptive cancer. Google it.
Let's hope this shit works!
Now if you will excuse me, I just bought a huge bag of Halloween candy and I'm about to break that bitch open! Party, party!
_______________________________________
Yooooooooooooooo, I just found out I have to get another blood transfusionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. (That's how Aziz Ansari would say it.) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
I also have to get platelets, they are 'dangerously' low. So back to the 'dayroom', where I will NOT be ordering the disgusting hospital food and spending another 5-6 hours of my life I doubt I will get back.
Turns out, it really was a good idea. Last week, I had a doctor's appointment and found out I needed another blood transfusion and I had an infection. Boooooooooooo! My hemo (hemoglobin) was 7, no wonder I felt so miserable. Ouch, that's loooooooow. 'Drop it drop it low girl, drop it drop it low girl.' At least this one only took 5 hours............and just when I decided that the 'dayroom' where I get my transfusions was the 'ghetto' room, bam! they bring out a blanket...that feels like it just came out of the oven! *sigh*
Anyway, the next day I spent in bed and the next day I finally saw a pain management specialist. I chose the medication over the 'small' procedure; a needle in my spine. Ummmm, NO. So week 1 turned out to be just the way I was expecting it to be........
I have been watching SO much T.V. that when I have conversations with people my responses are like, "Oh my god, that is a Law and Order episode." Or, "Whoa, I saw that on CSI!"Or, I start speaking like moronic reality T.V. stars, "Staaaap, Stap it!"~Sammi Sweetheart, the sweetest bitch I know. Or,"Oh.my.god. That.is.ba.na.nas."~Rachel Zoe, thank you Rachel.
Things can only go downhill from here.
Aaaand, I can surf Facebook alllllll day long. And from what I can tell, nobody works! And I can't forget to mention the Lifetime Movie Network. Brilliant.
So far I have to say that it feels really good to take a break, it feels.....right. I hope I don't become a diner regular with the 80+ population.....and my parents.
After reviewing the 16 things with my doctor, we decided to try a hormone drug, aromisan, which works by decreasing the amount of estrogen produced by the body. This medication is paired with a medication for kidney cancer, everolimus. I know, weird right? But, studies show the strongest data ever with estrogen receptive cancer. Google it.
Let's hope this shit works!
Now if you will excuse me, I just bought a huge bag of Halloween candy and I'm about to break that bitch open! Party, party!
_______________________________________
Yooooooooooooooo, I just found out I have to get another blood transfusionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. (That's how Aziz Ansari would say it.) Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
I also have to get platelets, they are 'dangerously' low. So back to the 'dayroom', where I will NOT be ordering the disgusting hospital food and spending another 5-6 hours of my life I doubt I will get back.
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