You looooook like you should, sleep.....

....is a nice way of saying it looks like someone punched you in both eyes at the same time. Naturally, I hadn't noticed. Oh wait, I did.

I just started a new chemo. Who's tired of hearing that line? I am. It's like a bad pickup line at this point. I am currently undergoing treatment number four since February.  Ouch.  The first two gave me awful side effects, this last one, Halaven, was legit not working.  All bloodwork went up.  So we had to bag that chemo.  (haha no pun intended, hahaha, you know chemo comes in a bag.....ok, not funny)

I just started Ixempra. I was off treatment for a few weeks and man, was my body craving some toxins!!
I have already lost a ton of hair and this one might take more, so I could be bald again soon, but I may be pleasantly surprised. If I do lose my hair, I would prefer that it wait until my brother in law gets back from his trip, he's my go-to Bic guy!

So on Toxin Tuesday, I was there for almost 5 hours.  My pre-meds take a while and then the Ixempra IV drip is 3 hours.  This is the longest I have had to spend in the treatment room.  Worst ever.  The first pre-med I am hit with is Benadryl.  So I was super drowsy and useless for a while, which helps pass the time I suppose.

So post treatment, I feel OK, I survived work on Wednesday and then it goes downhill.  I had to get a Neulasta shot (which helps boost your blood cell making via your bone marrow) but can cause bone/joint pain, etc. Thursday morning I take a shower and it was painful to wash my body. My body was so tender to the touch it hurt to wash it.   On top of that my bones start throbbing with pain.  It feels like little hobbits are taking swinging practice on my whole body over and over again.  Not that I know what it feels like to be punched or swung at, but I am assuming it sucks.  Especially by a hobbit, I mean they appear be solid little creatures.  The pain just gets worse, so Friday, the doctor calls in a prescription for percocet and prednisone.

Now, I am totally off my narcotics game here people.  I can't remember the last time I took a pain killer.  Well, it doesn't take much to guess what happened next.  Yes, you guessed it! It only took 2 hours for me to start throwing up!
Sleeping has not even been an option, it's more like trying to imagine you are in your little happy place and then realizing every 20 minutes that your happy place is actually hell.

My mom slept with me last night.  This might be the only reason why it is still ok for me to live with my parents. At 2:00 am, they are out of bed like lightening making toast for me, whether I am seven years old or 30, yes I actually made it to 30.

Let's take a walk on the treadmill.

Yes, let's take a walk.

There's no crying in cancer.

We know that I do not cry. Well, let me rephrase that; I don't cry about cancer. Except maybe twice. Like a real cry.  I do get the sniffles every now and then.  Now, put an episode of "Friday Night Lights" on, and I'll cry at least 5 times before it's over. Don't judge. Amazing show. Oh, Tim Riggins.......  Show an ASPCA commercial and I melt, well everybody does, as everybody should, and if you don't, check yourself.

You can throw anything cancer related at me and I won't cry.

• Telling someone I have cancer for the first time. I won't cry.
• Revealing my whole 'cancer story'. I won't cry. It's actual quite comical. I usually laugh.
• Being told I have to go on chemo, again, again and again. I won't cry.
• Getting a port. I won't cry.
• Getting pet scan results back with new spots of activity. I won't cry.

But I will cry when I feel miserable for more than a day. Like I have felt for the past 3 days. My body aches, my head throbs, I feel fatigued.  Blaaaaaahhhhhh!  My hemoglobin must be really low.  Maybe I'll go walk on the treadmill.
When I feel like this, it is extremely overwhelming to even think about the next day or to make plans for the next week.  Well, thinking about the future on a daily basis is absolutely terrifying, which is why I don't do it.  So why would I want to do it when I feel so tragic? That was dramatic.

So let's cry about it. Or not.