You looooook like you should, sleep.....

....is a nice way of saying it looks like someone punched you in both eyes at the same time. Naturally, I hadn't noticed. Oh wait, I did.

I just started a new chemo. Who's tired of hearing that line? I am. It's like a bad pickup line at this point. I am currently undergoing treatment number four since February.  Ouch.  The first two gave me awful side effects, this last one, Halaven, was legit not working.  All bloodwork went up.  So we had to bag that chemo.  (haha no pun intended, hahaha, you know chemo comes in a bag.....ok, not funny)

I just started Ixempra. I was off treatment for a few weeks and man, was my body craving some toxins!!
I have already lost a ton of hair and this one might take more, so I could be bald again soon, but I may be pleasantly surprised. If I do lose my hair, I would prefer that it wait until my brother in law gets back from his trip, he's my go-to Bic guy!

So on Toxin Tuesday, I was there for almost 5 hours.  My pre-meds take a while and then the Ixempra IV drip is 3 hours.  This is the longest I have had to spend in the treatment room.  Worst ever.  The first pre-med I am hit with is Benadryl.  So I was super drowsy and useless for a while, which helps pass the time I suppose.

So post treatment, I feel OK, I survived work on Wednesday and then it goes downhill.  I had to get a Neulasta shot (which helps boost your blood cell making via your bone marrow) but can cause bone/joint pain, etc. Thursday morning I take a shower and it was painful to wash my body. My body was so tender to the touch it hurt to wash it.   On top of that my bones start throbbing with pain.  It feels like little hobbits are taking swinging practice on my whole body over and over again.  Not that I know what it feels like to be punched or swung at, but I am assuming it sucks.  Especially by a hobbit, I mean they appear be solid little creatures.  The pain just gets worse, so Friday, the doctor calls in a prescription for percocet and prednisone.

Now, I am totally off my narcotics game here people.  I can't remember the last time I took a pain killer.  Well, it doesn't take much to guess what happened next.  Yes, you guessed it! It only took 2 hours for me to start throwing up!
Sleeping has not even been an option, it's more like trying to imagine you are in your little happy place and then realizing every 20 minutes that your happy place is actually hell.

My mom slept with me last night.  This might be the only reason why it is still ok for me to live with my parents. At 2:00 am, they are out of bed like lightening making toast for me, whether I am seven years old or 30, yes I actually made it to 30.

Let's take a walk on the treadmill.

Yes, let's take a walk.

There's no crying in cancer.

We know that I do not cry. Well, let me rephrase that; I don't cry about cancer. Except maybe twice. Like a real cry.  I do get the sniffles every now and then.  Now, put an episode of "Friday Night Lights" on, and I'll cry at least 5 times before it's over. Don't judge. Amazing show. Oh, Tim Riggins.......  Show an ASPCA commercial and I melt, well everybody does, as everybody should, and if you don't, check yourself.

You can throw anything cancer related at me and I won't cry.

• Telling someone I have cancer for the first time. I won't cry.
• Revealing my whole 'cancer story'. I won't cry. It's actual quite comical. I usually laugh.
• Being told I have to go on chemo, again, again and again. I won't cry.
• Getting a port. I won't cry.
• Getting pet scan results back with new spots of activity. I won't cry.

But I will cry when I feel miserable for more than a day. Like I have felt for the past 3 days. My body aches, my head throbs, I feel fatigued.  Blaaaaaahhhhhh!  My hemoglobin must be really low.  Maybe I'll go walk on the treadmill.
When I feel like this, it is extremely overwhelming to even think about the next day or to make plans for the next week.  Well, thinking about the future on a daily basis is absolutely terrifying, which is why I don't do it.  So why would I want to do it when I feel so tragic? That was dramatic.

So let's cry about it. Or not.

Flying Ants!

I am soooo way more tired than you right now, yet I can't fall asleep.  I am functioning at the level of zombie.  My hemoglobin is really low, which means I get tired very easily and any physical activity like walking up and down stairs, is a tragedy.  But my sister is really understanding. Like when she came with me to Toxin Tuesday this week and I had to take a break after walking up the parking garage steps and she said, "Maybe you should try walking on the treadmill everyday or something." Yes, I should.  Would you like to scrape my body off the treadmill belt (thump, thump, thump) when I'm done?

So it is always an adventure when my sister and I are together, obviously.  We get to the treatment center and find a cozy recliner, only to find out we shouldn't put our bags on the floor.  Ew! What?!? There is an ant infestation, but the exterminator is on his way. Shhhh.  Ok, this is weird.  Well, I don't see any ants on the floor......oh wait, yes I do. Are those dead flying ants? Yikes! We are being attacked by flying ants. Oh no! The gentlemen in the next chemo pod found one on his shoulder!  Where is the exterminator? Oh, he's not coming, the environmental guy from the hospital needs to come take a look around.  He must know something about flying ants that we don't.  Hmm, yes he definitely looks like he knows more about ants than I do. Now they want to fit 12 chemo patients, already hooked up to IVs, to a room that can only hold 4 patients.  It would be like watching "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers", all these bald chemo patients rolling their own travel IV bags emerging from chemo pods instead of pea pods, oh, as the fat asian environmental guy swats at flying ants in the background.

Getting treatment with dead flying ants surrounding you somehow does not seem sterile........

Cheeyas!

Let's all give cancer a big FUCK YOU! It's been 3 years and a day since I received the greatest gift from God.

BAHAHAHA......just kidding, that's what older cancer 'survivors' say who hope, endure and pray. You know the ones I'm talking about, they wear pink ribbons.

Sorry I didn't post this on my actual 'cancer'versary (yikes, who says that?) but I was...drinking. a lot. That is what young cancer 'survivors' do; drink, dance and drink some more. And then some more dancing.

Canspiration found.

Looking for canspiration

I haven't been feeling very canspirational lately but I feel like I should unload some good/bad energy.
Oh wait, I'm getting inspiration from my father right now, who is standing on the couch I am sitting on, vacuuming the windows above meas I am writing this.  Picture it.

Still on navelbine. Still kicking my ass: itchy skin, golf ball indigestion, muscle aches, joint pains, fatigue, and I'll just say stomach issues for now. It's working and winning. My tumor markers are down, yay!, which is great but less exciting when you feel like shit all the time.

As usual, I'm ballin' when on chemo.  I went on a mini girl's night overnight trip a few weeks ago to Dover, Delaware...a girl's dream. Mind you, this was in the midst of a week of severe stomach pains where I dropped some poundage quickly (fist pump me chemo).  At the bar a boy, yes a boy, approached me and said he liked my hair and then asked if I was in the air force. Really? The air force? And since cancer causes me to have the "I have cancer" tick, and I think that people immediately think I have cancer because I have a short haircut (everybody thinks like me, right?), I responded, "NO, I HAVE CANCER." .....awkward..... But apparently he didn't mind and we got our dance on.  And now he's a 'stage 5 clinger' texter. Leave it to me to get into an awkward situation. I should have just given him one of these:

Cancer always gets in the way.

On the other hand, I would not have met Dr. M, if I didn't have cancer. He is the doctor that saw me when my doctor was away during my severe stomach pain week.  My doctor told me that young people with cancer scare all the other doctors in the office, so she is the one who usually takes them as patients. But Dr. M, had no choice and had to see me. When he saw me and my file his response was, "oh, you're the one...." Is that bad or good? Turns out it was good. My doctor told me Dr. M was really happy to have met me and said he could tell right away that I had an old, sweet soul and was easy to be around, etc., etc.  The nicest thing anyone has ever said about me:)  I think I am the star cancer patient in the office, just sayin.....